


Barriers Up

by potionsmaster



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Biotics, Caught By Surprise, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Nightmares vs Reality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-20
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-10 06:24:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4380677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So much for a sanity check...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What Never Was Can Never Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard is constantly trying to remind Kaidan to keep his barriers up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um....yeah. I have no idea where this came from. Game 3 feels-dump.

_**Barriers Up** _ , by potionsmaster

 

Rating: T for language, violence level expected in the game

 

~*~*~*~

 

“ _Barriers, LT. Keep them up.”_

 

“ _Aye, aye, sir.”_

 

_ ~*~*~*~ _

 

“ _Alenko, make sure you have your barriers active. You tend to let them lapse.”_

 

“ _Yes, sir. I just get caught up in the heat of the moment.”_

 

“ _And to think it's your attention to detail that makes you so valuable...”_

 

“ _Really, Shepard? That's the best you could come up with?”_

 

“ _Just messing with you, K...”_

 

~*~*~*~

 

“ _So is this what it feels like, being surrounded by a barrier? Like a million tiny batteries shocking you all over?”_

 

“ _Sometimes. Sometimes it's more intense. Other times it's, uh...much gentler...”_

 

“ _Is that so.”_

 

“ _It is._

 

“ _You'll have to show me at some point...give me a private demonstration.”_

 

“ _I'd like that.”_

 

~*~*~*~

 

“Shepard, what's going on?!?”

 

The commander could see Kaidan's jaw tighten, mistrust or the beginning of a migraine pinching the skin around his eyes. His own chest constricted at the harsh words; he hated seeing the major like this. Udina piped up from behind Kaidan.

 

“Shepard's blocking our escape...he's with Cerberus!”

 

“Just...hang on! I got this...Everyone _calm...down_....”

 

Vega snorted derisively behind him, restless. Shepard threw an impatient look over his shoulder at him. James rolled his eyes as put his hands up and looked away; the commander had gotten the feeling the lieutenant didn't think much of Kaidan when they had initially met in Vancouver. The mission on Mars didn't help matters, either. Shepard swallowed hard, trying to to give Kaidan a soothing look.

 

“I can explain this, K...”

 

Kaidan scowled at his nickname. 

 

“C'mon, Shepard. Gun drawn on a councilor...kinda looks bad,” came the snappish retort.

 

“You're making a mistake. You need to hear me out,” Shepard said, trying to keep the desperation out of his voice. It hurt that even after they had hashed everything out about Horizon in the hospital, he still couldn't use his pet name. The plus side was that nobody else ever got to call him 'K' without risking injury, so that was something. 

 

“And you need to get your gun out of my face.”

 

Kaidan's pistol was leveled at Shepard's face, no wavering in his stance. The commander's breath caught in his throat; maybe he was too confident in his own standing to use the nickname. He wondered briefly if Kaidan remembered to put up a barrier as he stared down the barrel.

  
“Shepard's admitted to working with Cerberus. For all we know, he's still with them,” Udina's sly voice filtered through the air as Garrus fixated his pistol at Kaidan. The turian had a difficult time understanding why Shepard wasn't angrier with the other Spectre over past events and thought Shepard was going soft by trying to work things out. This was just another example of it; the commander knew he was going to hear Garrus tell him yet again when they got back on the ship. 

 

“Yeah, but I watched Shepard fight Cerberus troops on Mars...now, explain that,” Kaidan said, a thread of uncertainty woven in his voice. He didn't take his eyes off Shepard.

 

“We don't have time to negotiate, you've been fooled. All of you. Udina's behind the attack! The salarian councilor confirmed it,” Shepard broke in. His patience was starting to wear thin.

 

“Please...you have no proof. You never do,” Udina scoffed.

 

“You _have_ to believe me,” the commander implored, “There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us. If you open that door, they'll kill you all!”

 

“We've mistrusted Shepard before and it did not help us...” Tevos murmured. Sparatus' mandibles flexed as he glanced between the two groups.

 

“We don't have time to debate this! We're dead if we stay out here. I'm overriding the lock,” Udina snapped, striding over to the console in front of the burning shuttle. Shepard took a few steps towards the remaining councilors, but Kaidan blocked his path. He shook his head at the commander in warning.

 

“Councilor, stay put. We can figure this out. Shepard, look at us...this can't end well. Just...put it down.”

 

“ _Dam_ mit, Kaidan!” 

 

Udina had stopped halfway between the shuttle and the Council. Shepard pointed his pistol at the sky, finger off the trigger. The other Spectre blinked at that, confusion playing over his strong features.

 

“You _know_ I wouldn't do this, Kaidan...You know _me_...” 

 

The major exhaled noisily, debating. Shepard tried taking another step towards the Council, but that only steadied Kaidan's aim at him. The commander put his hands up to show he wasn't a threat, finger still off the pistol's trigger. Garrus and James kept their weapons ready and trained on Kaidan. Shepard didn't appreciate seeing the laser sight-lines reflecting off the Alliance blue armor.

 

“To hell with this...”

 

Udina darted towards the console, activating the locking mechanism to open the elevator. Shepard heard the sharp crack of a gunshot before he could drop his pistol back at the ready. Time slowed down and his breath rasped in his ears, sounds fading away to the familiar white static. Surprise bloomed on Kaidan's face. It didn't register that there was no tell-tale blue shimmer. Shepard saw Udina pull a familiar shape from his tunic and he didn't even have to think; his shot drilled home. The ambassador slumped. 

 

A wet gasp drew his attention back to the man in front of him. Ice flowed through his veins as the realization sunk home. 

 

“ _KAIDAN_!!”

 

He ran forward, trying to catch the falling man. Dark red blood spattered Kaidan's chin as he drew ragged breaths. Shepard carefully guided the Spectre to the ground, hand on the back of his neck.

 

“What the _fuck_ did you do, Vega?!” Garrus barked, holstering his pistol. The lieutenant blinked in disbelief, gun still pointed.

 

“I...I, uh...I just acted...” he faltered, clumsily putting his own weapon away, “He wouldn't get out of the way, and Udina...” Garrus looked at the commander, not really interested in the hulking marine's response. Shepard was on his knees, hand on Kaidan's chest-plate; the other was now gently pushing a sweaty lock of black hair off the major's forehead. The Council remained silent, observing. 

 

“Shepard, I. _..uhhh_. _.._ ”

 

“Kaidan....why wouldn't you just stand down?” he choked out, “Why didn't you have a barrier up? _Why_?” He pressed their foreheads together, tears dripping on Kaidan's cheeks.

 

“...I'm sorry.”

 

“Don't I always tell you, K? _Barriers up..._ ” 

He fumbled with his omni-tool, hoping he could administer a dose of medigel. The orange tool bipped at him; Kaidan's hardsuit wasn't linked with his system anymore. He yelled in frustration and cradled Kaidan's head in his lap.

 

“Shep...John...”

 

“Shhhhh, it's ok, _shhhh_....everything will be ok, Kaidan. You'll see.”

 

Kaidan coughed a small laugh at that, blood staining his teeth as he gave Shepard a tired smile. The commander was smoothing his hair off his forehead again. 

 

“You....you don't really....believe that...John.”

 

Rasping, wet breaths perforated the still air.

 

“If only it were that easy, right?” Shepard whispered, not trusting himself to speak.

 

“It's...gonna be....what it is.”

 

“You're gonna be fine. And then I'll kick your ass. Maybe then you'll finally remember to keep your barriers up.”

 

Kaidan reached up a shaking hand, trying to cup Shepard's face. The commander kissed his palm before placing it on his cheek, holding it there. The major blinked slowly, struggling to pull his eyelids back up.

 

“I never....was able to....keep them up...around you, John....”

 

Their eyes met, whiskey brown glowing gold in the light locking with teary blue. Kaidan's breath quieted a bit.

 

“I know, Kaidan,” he said thickly. He hated crying. He glanced up at the Council; they were talking with Garrus. Vega had the good sense to stay away from both groups at this point, keeping watch. Shepard let go of Kaidan's hand on his cheek and put it back on the bloodstained chest-plate. He felt a feather-light touch graze down his face.

 

“John, I...”

 

“Shhhh, K, don't speak.”

 

“I just wanted...you to know...that I still-”

 

Time ground to a halt as Kaidan's hand fell away, fingers dragging trails of frozen fire down his cheek. Shepard's stomach clenched around a pit of ice. He gently shook the Spectre, scarcely daring to breathe himself.

 

“Kaidan?”

 

The major's arms flopped bonelessly. Shepard's throat constricted as he shook him a little more frantically; he knew it was useless but he couldn't help himself.

 

“... _Kaidan_?”

 

He hugged Kaidan's body to himself as he rocked back and forth, keening. 

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Shepard woke up in a cold sweat, covers kicked down around the foot of their bed. The darkness was close. He threw a hand out to the left side of the mattress, feeling for his partner.

 

“Kaidan?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, nightmares....the stuff...dreams are....made...of?? Poor John was in fits today over it. There will be a chapter 2 for certain. _Possibly_ a chapter 3? We'll see how it goes. As it stands right now it could fit in the WYWH universe, but depending on where the muses lead, it could be a potential AU. Let me know what you think!


	2. Save Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Lift me up when I'm falling,_  
>  _Lift me up, I'm weak and I'm dying,_  
>  _Lift me up, I need you to hold me,_  
>  _Lift me up, keep me from drowning again..."_ ~Jars of Clay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As requested, here's the second part. Have some fluff and smut to make up for the awful feels from the last chapter. Title belongs to Eagle Eye Cherry. I think I wrote myself into a box...

_**Barriers Up** _ , by potionsmaster

 

Rating: M for what do you think?

 

 **Chapter 2** : _Save Tonight_

 

~*~*~*~

 

Shepard's hand met with the cool sheets on the left side of the bed. He shivered at the emptiness, shirt clinging uncomfortably to him.

 

“Kaidan?”

 

No answer.

 

“ _Kaidan_??”

 

Shepard fought the surge of panic in the darkness. His hand groped the mattress, scrabbling for any sign of the other man. Nothing. He bolted upright, a new wave of cold sweat dotting his upper lip. It was so dark....

 

Speaking of which, where was the aquarium, for that matter?

 

“Kaidan, where are you?”

 

He swung his legs over the side of the bed, trying to get his bearings. He heard the quiet rush of traffic outside the shuttered windows and remembered he was not on the Normandy; he was in Anderson's -wait, no, _his_ \- apartment on the Citadel. That calmed his racing heartbeat a touch. He shoved himself off the bed and shuffled his feet along the carpet, trying to remember the way to the bathroom. For his troubles, his reward was promptly tripping over a boot. A litany of curses streamed out of his mouth as he kicked the boot out of the way and immediately found the other by stumbling on it.

 

“Hey, hey, hey...where're you going?”

 

A soft, husky voice called out as Shepard recovered from his missteps, hands gently grasping his arms. A little zap of static electricity jumped as they touched. Both men winced a bit at the discharge as Shepard folded the biotic into his arms, desperate for contact.

 

“Sorry, K...We can replace the rug with hard floors if it gets to be a big problem,” he mumbled, squeezing tightly to chase away the bad dreams.

 

“Either that, or I just have to remember to touch metal stuff more. Not a big deal.”

 

Shepard buried his nose in the slightly mussed black hair, breathing deeply. He marginally was reassured by the familiar scent: natural clean musk underneath some kind of zesty warm spice in his shampoo, with a small hint of eezo. Kaidan huffed a small laugh as he hugged him back.

 

“I only went to get some water from the bathroom, John, not like I left for good.”

 

“I know, but I still missed you...Do you have your biotics going? You're, uh...glowing. Blue.”

 

“Am I?” Kaidan looked down at himself, pulling back a bit. A faint shimmer was playing on his arms, “Huh...must be the nightlight, or from traffic.”

 

“Ah...” John didn't remember a nightlight. He didn't think the light from the shuttered windows was strong enough to reflect off the other man, either. He stroked his hands distractedly down the other man's arms; there wasn't any familiar zing of energy that he usually got whenever he touched Kaidan with his biotics active.

 

“I almost said fish tank.”

 

“Yeah, it's weird not having it in here when we're trying to sleep. You're _cold_ , by the way.”

 

Shepard rubbed the major's bare arms vigorously a few times, trying to generate heat.

 

“Well, _some_ one kicked all the covers off.”

 

“Sorry about that. But I thought you said biotics run hot?”

 

“We do. You'll have to help warm me back up, though...”

 

Kaidan pressed his lips to John's, slowly increasing the intensity. He lightly ran the tip of his tongue over the other man's top lip, trying to coax him to open himself for a kiss. John shook his head and gave a mirthless laugh.

 

“Even your lips are cold, K...”

 

He just couldn't shake the residual feeling of dread. The faint ethereal glow on the other man wasn't helping. Kaidan sighed as he drew John with him, walking backwards. His hands were resting on John's hips, guiding him towards the bed. The commander followed willingly enough after a moment.

 

“Like I said, babe, I got a drink. Only reason I didn't go to the kitchen was you left your glass in there from your pill earlier. The water was cold. Why is this an issue?”

 

The major's legs hit the edge of the mattress and he plunked down, hands still on Shepard's hips. He rubbed his thumbs in light circles over the commander's skin, dipping them into the loose waistband of N7 pajama bottoms. Shepard hesitantly tilted his hips forward into the touch and ran his hands lightly down Kaidan's arms, fingers playing with the downy fuzz.

 

“...it's weird I can't sense your biotics, though.”

 

“I'm telling you, John, they're not active....” he kissed Shepard's belly button, lifting up the thin material with his nose. “I think I would know.”

 

“You're just a glowing freak of nature, then...” John replied as he knelt cautiously on the mattress, straddling the other man's lap. The words lacked his usual light-hearted manner. He paused.  Kaidan raised an eyebrow as he pulled him closer, tilting his head to kiss him again. Shepard mentally shook himself, trying to focus on the here and now.

 

“Well, I guess I'm in good company, Mr Cybernetic Anomaly. Pick your flavor, blue or orange.”

 

“Mmm...why not both? We can make fireworks together, figuratively and literally,” Shepard murmured, rolling his hips against his partner's for emphasis. He tried to put some of his normal playfulness back in his voice. The biotic snorted softly, sliding his hands from the commander's hips to his lower back.

 

“John....”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“....shut up and kiss me.”

 

“Is that an order, Major Alenko?”

 

“Do you want me to make it one? Because I can think of a few choice punishments for a _particularly_ insubordinate commander...”

 

“...I love it when you talk dirty to me, K.”

 

“ _Oh oui? Qu'est-ce que tu veux ou_ _ïr?_ ”[1]

 

“Um... _oui_?”

 

Kaidan chuckled as he kneaded Shepard's muscles. The commander moaned softly, grinding himself on the other man's lap. He concentrated on feeling the solidness of his partner beneath him. It helped clear the cobwebs from the dream a little bit.

 

“ 'A' for effort, John.”

 

“Oh, god...that feels so good.”

 

“You're very tense...”

 

“I...didn't have a pleasant dream.” Shepard hunched his shoulders, cupping Kaidan's cheeks and pressing a light kiss on each of his eyelids. The major could see the other man retreat back into his thoughts as he leaned into one of Shepard's palms, nuzzling the soft skin.

 

“Care to tell me about it?”

 

Shepard shook his head, averting his eyes.

 

“Not really...it's not worth repeating. It's just a dream, K, I'll get over it.”

 

“If you say so,” the biotic pursed his lips, “Perhaps we can replace it with a good one instead.”

 

Kaidan slid his arms up the commander's spine and leaned back, pulling Shepard on top of him. The commander huffed a small laugh as they fell against the bouncy surface. Kaidan hooked his legs around the younger man's and flipped their positions, rolling his hips against his partner. He kissed the lines he knew were there on Shepard's forehead; they never seemed to fade away anymore.

 

“Unfair advantage, Alenko...” came the half-hearted response.

 

“All about the tactics, Commander...you weren't doing anything with the high ground. Thought I'd take care of it for you,” came the teasing response. Shepard gave a brief 'hmm' in response, rubbing his hands along the edge of Kaidan's pajama bottoms as he squirmed uncomfortably. Kaidan held back an exasperated sigh.

 

“Alright, John, what's really the matter?”

 

He sat back on the commander's groin, feeling the flagging interest. Shepard slid his hands up Kaidan's arms, fingers massaging his biceps. He avoided the major's gaze, concentrating on the shapely arms underneath his hands.

 

“I already told you....”

 

“Let me distract you, then.”

 

“I'm trying, K. This one is just...hard to let go of, y'know?”

 

Kaidan could see a tiny bit of the light from the shuttered windows glinting in Shepard's eyes as he bent forward again, placing a line of chaste kisses up the commander's chest to his lips.

 

“Tell me what you need...” he breathed, lips brushing John's, “Let me take care of you. Please.”

 

Shepard heaved a sigh, not meeting Kaidan's gaze. The biotic furrowed his brow and held John's chin between his thumb and forefinger, staring deep into his eyes.

 

“Don't do that....don't hide....”

 

The younger man spread out a palm, indicating he wanted his partner to place his own hand on top of it. Kaidan complied, lining their hands up before twining their fingers together. John smiled unhappily.

 

“Never could around you, Kaidan...”

 

The nightmare echoed back to him unbidden. Shepard's breath hitched while the image of Kaidan's blood-spattered face and dead eyes overlaid his partner's visage. He blinked rapidly, trying to get rid of it; the constantly simmering anxiety was rising into a full-blown panic. Kaidan cocked his head, sensing the shift in mood.

 

“Hey...come back to me, huh? Don't go where I can't follow...”

 

“Sorry, K...”

 

“D'you, uh....want this?” The biotic glanced uncertainly to the side.

 

“Of course I want this. Don't be ridiculous.”

 

Shepard rubbed his thumb over Kaidan's hand, playing with their interlocked fingers. He exhaled noisily through his nose. The major frowned at him.

 

“Hmm.”

 

“Could...you do the 'thing', K...?” he asked falteringly. Kaidan blinked at him, taken aback.

 

“Of course...you sure?”

 

“Yes. I definitely want it.”

 

“Alright...” Kaidan murmured, activating his biotics. A thin, cerulean aura crept along their bodies from their joined hands. “Just breathe, John.”

 

A low buzzing pleasantly fizzed over the commander. He sighed quietly, willing the tension in his shoulders to disappear. Kaidan placed his other hand over John's heart and breathed deeply.

 

“Match me,” he whispered. Shepard closed his eyes and let his mind go blank, meeting Kaidan's rising chest with his own to synchronize their breathing. Images from the nightmare fought to resurface; he managed to quash them and concentrated solely on the gentle thrum of Kaidan's energy. He placed his own hand over the older man's heart, skin to skin.

 

He could feel his pulse slow and steady itself; the major's own heartbeat was strong and sure as it set the cadence for John's to follow. The biotic barrier swirled languidly over them, enveloping them in their own little world. They stayed in that position for a small while, simply being. The commander relaxed little by little as he felt Kaidan's belly swell with deep breathing against his own.

 

“Better?”

 

The biotic leaned forward and gently rubbed the tips of their noses together, lips ghosting over his partner's. Shepard gave an amused 'hmph' at that.

 

“Better. Your lips are warmer now, you know...”

 

“Told you. Biotics run hot.”

 

“Showing is better than telling, right?” Kaidan chuckled at that, the sound hitting the pit of Shepard's stomach and igniting his desire again. The barrier flickered and died.

 

“Right. Though I don't think you'll need me to teach you how to ride right now. Remind me if I ever meet Samara to thank her for this technique. Who'd've thought about using barriers to mediate?”

 

“Apparently the asari. Though I think we've taken the basics and turned it into our own thing at this point....”

 

Shepard lifted his hips into Kaidan's backside, rolling them against the biotic's groin. Kaidan responded in kind, dragging himself along the lengthening hardness beneath him. He slid his hand from over John's heart down his chest, fingertips lightly playing with the soft trail of hair that disappeared into the pajama bottoms.

 

“Mm. I would say...”

 

“Would you, now?” Their lips met in a brief peck. John gave a tiny smile at that. He wanted more now that he felt relatively centered again.

 

“Glad to see you're feeling better,” the biotic quipped before kissing him again. This one lasted a bit longer, heat lingering between them when they parted. Shepard lifted his head off the bed, chasing Kaidan's full lips for another. The major cupped the back of his head, tongue darting playfully against his partner's mouth. Shepard let go of Kaidan's hand and palmed his buttocks, fingers digging lightly into the dense muscle.

 

“I think we can still save tonight...” he mumbled around his partner's attentions, “...don't you think?”

 

Kaidan hummed as he sat up and peeled Shepard's shirt off, tossing it to the floor. He traced his fingers over the long, straight scar over the commander's right collar bone.

 

“I'd say that's a definite possibility.”

 

The biotic followed the path his hand took with his tongue, kissing his way up Shepard's neck to behind his ear. Tingles from the numb spot around the scar sparked goosebumps across the younger man's chest and arms. He turned his head to give his partner access; he knew that _Kaidan_ knew how much that pulse point behind his ear made his knees weak.

 

“Jeezuz, K...how are you able to do this to me? _Fuck_...” he huffed, writhing underneath the other man. He felt gentle hands sliding down his taut stomach, teasing fingers tugging at his pajama pants. Kaidan rolled off to the side, jerking the N7 pants halfway down Shepard's thighs. The commander shivered as the cool night air hit his exposed skin.

 

“Oh, I dunno...just lucky, I guess.”

 

Kaidan punctuated it by wrapping a warm hand around his partner's length and squeezing lightly, dragging his hand downwards. Shepard's hips involuntarily bucked upwards as the biotic's thumb circled his tip. He nuzzled the commander's jawline, laying a chain of soft kisses.

 

“Tell me what you need...” he whispered.

 

Shepard swallowed hard, eyes closed.

 

“...I need...”

 

Delicate nibbles on the rim of his ear distracted him.

 

“...I. _..uuuhhhn_...”

 

His hands clutched at the sheets as a bead of moisture was slicked down his length. Kaidan was rubbing himself against Shepard's thigh.

 

“Yes? Go on,” the biotic murmured, hand rolling over the head and spreading more of the dewy wetness.

 

“ _Fuck,_ K...I need...oh, _god_....”

 

Kaidan's fingers slid lower, fondling the heavy warmth that he found. Shepard couldn't help thrusting himself against it. He felt a damp spot form on his thigh from his partner's increasing excitement. He snapped his eyes open and rolled his head to face Kaidan, heartbeat pounding. He cupped Kaidan's cheek, thumb tracing the strong cheekbone. Their eyes locked, blue burning earnestly into brown in the darkness.

 

“I need _you_.”

 

Kaidan's hand faltered as he blinked in surprise. Shepard brought their foreheads together, eyes still boring into his partner's.

 

“...what?” came the whispered reply.

 

“ _You're_ what I need. What I've always needed.”

 

Kaidan inhaled sharply, trying not to let his voice crack.

 

“D'you....d'you really mean that?”

 

“ _Really_...”

 

Shepard took the pause to roll himself on top of Kaidan, nestling between his legs. He kissed the biotic deeply, sliding his hand from his cheek to his neck and slowly up the back of his head. He carded his fingertips through the dark hair.

 

Kaidan's breath caught in his throat as he wrapped his legs around Shepard's waist. He tried to push the commander's pajama bottoms the rest of the way down with his feet but gave up, too swept away by everything.

 

“John...”

 

“I need you, Kaidan...”

 

He claimed his mouth again, kissing him like Kaidan was air and he was drowning. The biotic dug his fingers into Shepard's back, pulling him tightly to him.

 

“I need you in my life.”

 

Kaidan scarcely dared to breathe while Shepard licked a path up his neck and sucked on his earlobe.

 

“I need you next to me...”

 

The commander slid his other hand down Kaidan's pajama bottoms, cupping his ass.

 

“I need you _with_ me.”

 

He brushed the tips of their noses together.

 

“Kaidan, I -”

 

Shepard's words were cut off by a fierce kiss, Kaidan's hands cupping his head and pulling him towards him.

 

“ _John_...”

 

The commander moaned, rutting himself against his partner.

 

“You have me. _All_ of me.”

 

Kaidan managed to pull the N7 pajamas the rest of the way off. Shepard growled at him, wrestling with the major's pjs.

 

“Please, K...”

 

Kaidan wriggled out from under his partner, reaching for the drawer in the nightstand. Shepard tugged his pants off while he rooted around, looking for the small bottle of lube they had recently placed there. The commander sat back and watched the muscular frame sprawl stomach down across the mattress. Kaidan glanced back at him and lifted his hips. Shepard blew out a long breath, understanding the intent. His partner knew he preferred sex that way, but he surprised himself; he wanted to look at Kaidan in the eyes when he came, see every bit of him exposed. Raw. Real.

 

For the first time ever, he wanted Kaidan to see him that way, too.

 

He crawled towards the other man, shaking his head as he put a hand on the biotic's hip. A little nudge rolled him on to his back again. Kaidan looked at him, question unspoken. Shepard spread his partner's legs, deftly slipping the bottle out of his hands and burying his nose behind Kaidan's ear. The major breathed a tiny laugh as he tilted his head against the ticklish sensation.

 

“I need you....need you to...”

 

He broke off eye contact while he drizzled the smooth liquid on his fingers, rubbing them together to warm it up. Kaidan reached up and lifted his chin, eyes searching his face.

 

“Anything.”

 

“...need you to see _me._ ”

 

John swallowed convulsively, chest tight.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I know you look at me, but...” he glanced down quickly, unsure of what to say.

 

“But what?”

 

“I...” Shepard shook his head, rubbing his other hand over his short hair in frustration, “...I don't know how to say it. Look beyond the surface? Shit, I dunno what I'm saying right now...maybe...see _who_ I am, not just the 'what'.”

 

Kaidan stroked his thumb over the commander's lower lip, a soft smile playing at the corners of his lips.

 

“I already do...”

 

John's heart swelled with a happiness he didn't think was ever possible to feel. He leaned forward, kissing him ferociously. Kaidan met him halfway, equally desperate. His hand glided between his partner's buttocks.

 

“ _Kaidan_...”

 

Kaidan covered John's hand with his own, coating it with the slippery fluid. He pulled him closer, tongue still lapping at his partner's mouth while he palmed the rigid heat. John groaned, pulling away from the kiss and resting his head on Kaidan's shoulder. The biotic dragged himself closer, guiding the commander to his opening.

 

“I need you, too, John...need you so bad...”

 

The younger man shuddered as the smoky voice whispered the words in his ear, trying to hold himself back.

 

“...need you inside me...”

 

That almost undid John; his hips jutted forward as Kaidan's hand worked him. He gasped as he entered his partner. Kaidan's hand set the slow pace, allowing him to slip inside a little at a time with every stroke. He didn't know how he would last at all.

 

“Oh, _fuck me_.... _Kaaaidan_.... _hnngh_!!”

 

The biotic let his hand fall away, partner fully enclosed in the warm tightness. John's slender fingers glided up the back of Kaidan's neck and through his hair again, searching for the amp port. They both cried out when he found it, biotics sparking to life around them.

 

“Ahh, god... _ahhhh...John_!”

 

The commander clutched his partner to him, fingertips digging into Kaidan's hip and stroking the amp. Kaidan's head was thrown back, eyes closed. John sucked on the base of his neck.

 

“Fuck...I'm not gonna... _K_...I'm gonna...!”

 

Kaidan's eyes snapped open at that. He cradled the back of John's head with one hand, the other grasping at his partner's hips; foreheads touching again. The commander's eyes were feverish as they locked on his smoldering brown ones. John was panting heavily, the tingling from the biotics heightening the sensations as he thrust frantically.

 

“It's alright...” Kaidan breathed, “I see you... _all_ of you. All that you are.”

 

They came together, azure aura crackling through the air. John sank his head wearily onto Kaidan's shoulder, gently pushing him to lay down again. Kaidan allowed himself to be pressed down, slowly falling back on the pillows. He gave a tired chuckle as he hugged the commander; the younger man had burrowed under his arm and wrapped it around himself.

 

“Hmm...?” John asked sleepily.

 

“I don't know about you, but my throat is a little, ahh...sore.”

 

Shepard cleared his own throat roughly.

 

“Well, what do you know...something we have in common, Major.”

 

The commander's voice was barely audible as he drifted off in a dreamless sleep. He didn't hear what Kaidan said as his partner kissed the top of his head, squeezing him gently.

 

“That we do. I love you, John...”

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

Shepard woke up the next morning, stretching and yawning. He still felt tired, but it had a pleasant ache around it as he remembered what had transpired. He rolled to the other side, disappointed but not entirely surprised to find he was the only one there. He got up and shuffled to the bathroom, noting his boots had been kicked across the room. Kaidan must've already gotten dressed.

 

He fumbled with the lights in the bathroom, cursing the brightness. He blearily focused on the counter top as he tried to get used to the light; something looked off. Blinking again, he took a mental inventory: his razor, his toothbrush, toothpaste, his washcloth, his soap....it was all there, but something seemed to be missing still.

 

With a start he realized what it was: none of Kaidan's toiletries were there. He flushed, trying to ignore the thread of unease that was trying to creep its way in his gut.

 

“Get a grip,” he muttered to himself in the mirror. He almost didn't recognize the haggard face in the mirror. He rinsed his face after he washed his hands, hoping the cold water would shock him back to his senses and he would find Kaidan's stuff tucked away in the medicine cabinet. On a whim, he checked. Nothing....

 

The low level of dread was back and heavy in his gut when he went down to the kitchen. No extra fatigues or boots, no spare pairs of boxer-briefs in the drawers. Maybe Kaidan hadn't moved his stuff from the Normandy yet. Shepard stopped and stared at the counter-top in the kitchen. His meds were laid out for him to take. That wasn't unusual; he usually tried to set his medications up the night before to make sure he didn't forget them.

 

Problem was, he didn't remember setting them up last night. He didn't remember doing anything in the kitchen at all, come to think of it. He glanced furtively around, hoping to find any clue, or perhaps a note.

 

Nothing.

 

He was alone in the cavernous apartment. He reached for the tablets, swallowing them without any water. Kaidan was probably on the Normandy. He'd see him later, more than likely. There wasn't any other possibility.

 

Shepard headed back upstairs. The whole situation was surreal. He shook his head at himself as he climbed the steps.

 

Kaidan had to be on the Normandy. Where else would he be?

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...that turned way more emotionally intimate than I initially thought it would. I'm glad for them. They definitely have a bond going.
> 
>  _Glossary_ :
> 
> [1] Oh yeah? What do you want to hear?


End file.
